• Kristine Moller

Is Lockdown Making You Feel Emotional? Here's How I Regained My Balance

I’ve been very quiet over the last week. I needed to be. I found myself feeling things I haven’t felt for years and I just needed to sit with and surrender to whatever surfaced.

The stagnancy of our current situation has not only silenced the relentless traffic noise outside my window, but it has also lent itself to an inner journey of revisiting some of the things that for a long stretch of my life used to get in the way of me really enjoying life.

With nowhere to be and nowhere to go, I’ve let my inner voice become more prominent than usual to the point of getting quite vocal.

Maybe it needed to become louder in order to help me make sense of our current situation.

My inner self-talk has over the years become a lot softer and forgiving and at times even encouraging, but into my second week of lockdown, I noticed a distinct change.

I had noticed I had begun to feel vulnerably emotional with low moods and a hint of hopelessness, so I made a decision to tune into what was going on inside my mind.

I gave everything in my mind centre stage and just began to observe.

I listened to the voice and couldn’t believe how negative and nasty it had become!

It was so interesting to just be the observer and to feel deeply what came up with everything the inner voice threw at me.

I was astounded at how much of the old ‘s**t’ was still there and it’s made me think that maybe it will always be there, maybe the echos of the past will never go away.

At some point, I lost my place as the observer and plunged deeply into and let myself be swept away by the feelings.

I thought about all the personal growth and courses I’ve done and now we are back at square one?

You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought, it was as if the universe is laughing at me.

I’ve felt really vulnerable and wobbly for a few days have retreated into myself and thankfully I needn’t have worried about being back to square one, because it’s evident to me now that this is not how it works.

It’s never possible to get something and then to un-get something. Once you get it you get it.

So where was this coming from?

I began to wonder if this could simply be the ghost of a default programme that temporarily got reactivated due to an unprecedented never before experienced situation?

I’m wondering if maybe the old s**t never does go away, maybe it can be likened to a ghost playing things over and over in our subconscious minds, but the fact that it rarely makes itself visible is a sign that it is not impacting on how life is experienced.

The past feels to me now like a ghost that lingers but it doesn’t hold me back and stop me from doing the things I want to do and choosing how I want to feel my way through life.

Perhaps this strange situation we are all finding ourselves momentarily reactivated this old programme.

In the last week, I admit I did on a couple of occasions almost find myself diving in a little too deep to the point of believing the story my inner voice was trying so desperately to convince me of, but the marked difference is that now I am able to be the observer of my own thoughts and emotions.

I understand that what I think and feel is not who I am. It is part of the human experience, yes, but that’s all….no more, no less.

I’ve understood things on a deeper level and in a different way and this understanding has given me even more personal freedom.

I’m so grateful to the part of me that has always encouraged me to search for that inner fulfilment and calm that seemed so elusive for many years.

It’s given me the freedom of Mind to feel and go to some darker places without getting lost or drowning in despair.

It’s not about pretending that stuff is not there, instead, it’s about facing it, letting it move through you and to heal it a little more each time, gaining new insights along the way and each and every time letting the ghost fade a little more.

Life is never predictable, something I have experienced many times, but this time we are experiencing it collectively.

I feel so blessed and have so much gratitude for all the teachers I’ve met along the way, who’ve helped me understand that I always have a choice and the tools to move into a different place emotionally whatever is going on around me.

Perhaps the old s**t is a bit like grief. It’s always there. I can let it consume me or I can find a way to make give the pain meaning that will gradually allow more peace to seep in each and every day.

Sometimes it still comes and whacks unexpectedly, but because I’ve found a way to follow my joy…I can quickly get back up and continue getting the most out of every minute and every second of this life.

There are only so many minutes available to us in our life time, they can never be repeated and we don't know how many we get and no matter what is happening externally or what you think is happening externally you cannot let that get in the way of your happiness.

Instead embrace every moment of life and always aim for joy.

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